The classic poem “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” by Clement Clarke Moore has been reimagined countless times, reflecting the changing times and cultural trends. One particularly humorous adaptation, published in the Tucson Citizen on December 24, 1988, by John Jennings, offers a hilarious glimpse into the yuppie Christmas of the late 80s. This “funny ’twas the night before xmas” version cleverly satirizes the materialistic desires and consumerist culture of the era, replacing sugar plums with designer clothes and St. Nicholas with a bewildered Santa confronted by a house already overflowing with gifts.
A Yuppie Christmas Eve
Jennings’ poem opens with the narrator, comfortably settled in his mauve-sheeted bed, reading about Oprah’s latest diet. This immediately sets the scene, introducing us to a world of luxury and self-improvement, a far cry from the simple joys of Moore’s original. His wife, glowing from Retin-A, sleeps beside him, surrounded by the trappings of their affluent lifestyle. The children, Geoffrey and Wendy, have closets bursting with “things tasteful and trendy.” Their townhouse is decked out for the holidays, boasting a 20-foot spruce reaching the cathedral ceiling and adorned with Southwestern ornaments “from Old Santa Fe.”
A Catalog of Consumerism
Instead of milk and cookies, the family has left out blue corn chips, salsa, and Australian beer for Santa, a distinctly 80s twist on the traditional offering. The presents piled high under the tree are a testament to the consumerism of the era. Fifteen-year-old Wendy’s gifts include a hair crimper, a hard-disk computer (a cutting-edge piece of technology at the time), designer clothes, and even a voucher for a nose job. Seven-year-old Geoff’s pile boasts a Nintendo, a dirt bike, a big-screen TV, a laser-light gun, a remote-control car, a CD player, and an electric guitar. The parents haven’t been forgotten either. The wife receives a bone-carved hairbrush, a car phone for her BMW, various kitchen appliances, self-help books, and a “sexy new dress.” The narrator is hoping for golf clubs, a leather bag, and a collapsible canoe.
Santa’s Surprise
The humor peaks when Santa himself arrives, only to find he has nothing to leave. The family has already acquired every conceivable gadget, leaving Santa baffled. He offers his best wishes and explains that his sleigh is loaded with gifts for the less fortunate. This encounter highlights the disparity between the excesses of the yuppie lifestyle and the needs of others, adding a touch of social commentary to the comedic narrative.
A Gouda Night
As Santa departs, the narrator attempts to capture a photo, but the camera’s auto-focus delay allows Santa to escape. His parting words, “Yuppie Christmas to all, and to all, gouda night!” perfectly encapsulate the satirical tone of the poem. This “funny ’twas the night before xmas” adaptation is a witty and insightful look at Christmas in a specific cultural moment, offering a lighthearted yet thought-provoking take on the holiday spirit.
This 1988 version of “A Visit from St. Nicholas” serves as a humorous time capsule, reminding us of how Christmas traditions and desires evolve with each generation. While the specific products mentioned may feel dated, the underlying themes of consumerism and materialism remain relevant today, making this “funny ’twas the night before xmas” poem a timeless piece of satirical holiday cheer.